Haunting Heartbreak

“Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weaknesses.” – Madame Marie du Deffand

Dearest little ones,
It’s with a heavy heart that I add this letter to the pile, but I hope, in reading these, you’ll find something of an honest view of what your mother really is like.

Right now, just writing the word “mother” makes my heart ache.
See, there are things going on in the world far beyond our control. Countries that choose war over peace. When that happens, the sea calls your dad to protect us.  That means your dad is away, invisibly protecting and supporting everyone in this land no matter their race, creed, age, religion, or political views.

That means he’s away from home.

That means that we can’t bring you home. In fact, we went from 1/4 of the way there, to back-to-square one… and years away from trying again. See, until we can get the time to get into training courses required by the state to bring you home, we’re trapped.

In fact, our agency isn’t as patient as we need to be and gave us pretty much no other sensable alternative than to close our case entirely at this point.

That doesn’t mean we can’t re-apply in the future. Just that the agency has other prospective adoptive parents with more consistant schedules that they need to focus their attention on. They are no longer willing to wait for us as things currently stand.

This doesn’t mean we’re “unfit” – just that we’re stuck in a legistical loop hole.

One that breaks my heart regularly. I know you may not even be born yet, but I can’t help but feel strongly dissappointed that we won’t be waiting for you by Christmas, as I’d planned.

While I have faith that everything happens in it’s own perfect timing, realizing we’ll have to start over is frustrating and heart breaking.

We just want to bring you home.

I wish it were just that simple… We’re not giving up forever. We’ll keep looking for ways around these loop holes, but for now, our fight to bring you home has suffered a serious set back. I want to reiterate – WE ARE NOT GIVING UP.

I’m sure there are a lot of good things we can learn in the classroom to help you/us in our journey as a family, but I wish this were as simple as the genetic means of becoming a family.

But for us – it’s just not.

Maybe that’s building security though – because you’ll read this someday, know how hard we fought for you, and know how valued you are.

We’ll find a way through this. It just won’t be for some time.

Your Grandfather also passed away last week. I am grateful that your dad was able to be with me for a few days in the days that followed. That was emergency leave, but it was just another sign of how supportive your dad is of me. He’s a wonderful guy. I can’t wait for you to meet him.

But that meeting will have to wait…

I know this will happen someday. I hope I’m still in my 30’s when it does, but I know that no matter how old you are, no matter how old we are, we’ll be a family… we just don’t know when yet.

Sending all my love,
Your mother.


About justdontknowityet

Adopted during my first year of life into a family that had a already adopted a boy. My bio mother was 15 and swore she was raped. With almost no pre-natal care, I survived and joined my forever-family. Blood may be thicker than water - but love is stronger than both. Now, my husband and I are in the process of building our own family through adoption. Our process is complicated somewhat by his service as a Navy Submariner. Sometimes the best things come from the most surprising and challenging situations. The goal of his blog is to honestly express the challenges, pit falls, heart breaks and joys of this process in letters to our future family. Every child is wanted by someone.
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5 Responses to Haunting Heartbreak

  1. amom27 says:

    My thoughts and prayers are with you in the passing of your father, and with your husband has he is protecting me, my family and everyone else! I am so sorry that your plans to become parents have been put on hold. With the amount of faith and hope and determination (for lack of better of words), I have no doubt that you and your husband will be blessed with a baby!!!! I will continue to keep your family in my thoughts and prayers!! ❤ ❤ ❤

    • Thank you. I suppose this will give us some time to lick our wounds and figure out how to move foreward. It’s looking as though we could not go the foster-to-adopt domestic route, but a huge amount of money would be the next hurtle. Not giving up though.

  2. We did talk about it and researched the different routes but in the end my heart isn’t in it (on top of the fact that we honestly could never afford it). I just can’t get my heart to wrap around it. Maybe it’s because the gentic peice really isn’t vital to me one bit, but the process is. We need to be in it together – no matter what.
    I can’t see going through (prohibitively expensive and, what I consider extreme) medical procedures, and putting another person through them, to hopefully have something that looks like us in the end, when there is another route to make our family. A route that truly blessed my life (I’m adopted, as is my older brother). I never grew up with someone pregnant around (I’m the youngest in my family) nor have I ever grown up around people that looked like me, so those 2 factors really aren’t important in my life. It’s a circle of love I’m eager to pass on. *Disclaimer: This is not ment to condemn anyone who chooses surrogacy. There is room in the world of everyone to do what rings truest to them. This is what rings truest in my heart.*

  3. amom27 says:

    I wish I could say I totally understand, I don’t. I do understand the desire to have a child. I was told I couldn’t have any kids and then years later got pregnant when I wasn’t financially ready and decided the best thing was to place her for adoption. 5 yrs later I was married and got pregnant, and almost lost my baby when she was 2 days old. (She is now 13 yrs old) I have also had 3 miscarriages.
    I wish I could make things work out for you, so you dont feel the heartbreak when you write “Mother”
    I am here if you ever need to vent, or just want someone to listen!!!

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