“Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weaknesses.” – Madame Marie du Deffand
Dearest little ones,
It’s with a heavy heart that I add this letter to the pile, but I hope, in reading these, you’ll find something of an honest view of what your mother really is like.
Right now, just writing the word “mother” makes my heart ache.
See, there are things going on in the world far beyond our control. Countries that choose war over peace. When that happens, the sea calls your dad to protect us. That means your dad is away, invisibly protecting and supporting everyone in this land no matter their race, creed, age, religion, or political views.
That means he’s away from home.
That means that we can’t bring you home. In fact, we went from 1/4 of the way there, to back-to-square one… and years away from trying again. See, until we can get the time to get into training courses required by the state to bring you home, we’re trapped.
In fact, our agency isn’t as patient as we need to be and gave us pretty much no other sensable alternative than to close our case entirely at this point.
That doesn’t mean we can’t re-apply in the future. Just that the agency has other prospective adoptive parents with more consistant schedules that they need to focus their attention on. They are no longer willing to wait for us as things currently stand.
This doesn’t mean we’re “unfit” – just that we’re stuck in a legistical loop hole.
One that breaks my heart regularly. I know you may not even be born yet, but I can’t help but feel strongly dissappointed that we won’t be waiting for you by Christmas, as I’d planned.
While I have faith that everything happens in it’s own perfect timing, realizing we’ll have to start over is frustrating and heart breaking.
We just want to bring you home.
I wish it were just that simple… We’re not giving up forever. We’ll keep looking for ways around these loop holes, but for now, our fight to bring you home has suffered a serious set back. I want to reiterate – WE ARE NOT GIVING UP.
I’m sure there are a lot of good things we can learn in the classroom to help you/us in our journey as a family, but I wish this were as simple as the genetic means of becoming a family.
But for us – it’s just not.
Maybe that’s building security though – because you’ll read this someday, know how hard we fought for you, and know how valued you are.
We’ll find a way through this. It just won’t be for some time.
Your Grandfather also passed away last week. I am grateful that your dad was able to be with me for a few days in the days that followed. That was emergency leave, but it was just another sign of how supportive your dad is of me. He’s a wonderful guy. I can’t wait for you to meet him.
But that meeting will have to wait…
I know this will happen someday. I hope I’m still in my 30’s when it does, but I know that no matter how old you are, no matter how old we are, we’ll be a family… we just don’t know when yet.
Sending all my love,